and sometimes, life’s a movie

well. i’ll be darned.

alyssa told me, “you know not what lurks beneath the sweatshirt” because, in made for tv movies, the sweet, funny nerd you fell for turns out to be godly hott. i told her life wasn’t a movie.

why was i not aware at all my boyfriend was hott? cute, definitely. adorable, certainly. i just thought….i don’t know what i thought. good lord, he’s out of my league!

multi-post catharsis

i don’t want to scare andrew with my issues. could he handle it?
so far he’s handled me passing out and mentions of the family therapist.
how bout  arevalation that they all have chronic depression and anxiety but me?
and right now i’m feeling pretty anxious.
this is not an ordinary state for me.
i don’t know who else to turn to, but i don’t know if we’re close enough yet to share issues like this…
i mean, i really care about him and enjoy spending time with him and all, but we haven’t even kissed yet…i don’t know what he expects from this.
hmm…three weeks in…precisely the point where i scared jack away.

focusing on the positive

i checkmated andrew yesterday!

and my music is helping

 

lyrics reexamined

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don’t be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Readin’ the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my heh, hey
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Don’t ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can’t stop it, if you try to
This time it’s danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

i wish i could believe this.
this day won’t be saved, but a hug would sure help.
and not a loud hug with aww!s from julie or jen.
no one fussing or making everything worse by dragging it up.
i just need someone to hold me until i feel safe again.

gotta be cool, gotta be calm, gotta be wiser

listen as your day unfolds
challenge what the future holds

the song tells me not to be ashamed to cry. i’m a big girl, and, as frankie valli said, big girls don’t cry.

danny’s being suspended again. this is the fifth time. he was being sexually harassed by another boy, and my mom almost pressed charges. kids, including danny’s supposed friends are calling him ‘gay’. now, i know he’s straight…he’s had a crush on that one girl for forever. the reason he doesn’t talk about it is because she’s popular [and in my big sis opinion, a lil witch], and danny is nothing resembling popular. today his best [only] friend, a kid i called ‘little brother’ for the last four years, called him gay. danny snapped. danny kicked him in the balls, which doesn’t surprise me. i feel so bad for this kid. he’s having trouble in school, because he refuses to do his work. he’s been bad since popop died; he loved the old guy maybe even more than i did, and danny took it hard. he’s gaining weight, failing school, his one teacher enjoys antagonizing him, his peers ostracize him. he’s getting abuse from all sides. and now this. i think he’s depressed. i know he’s had thoughts about hurting himself. he’s fighting with my folks. i don’t know what to do. as far as i can tell, this is the one safe oasis he has, home. and i don’t always have time to talk to him. brian doesn’t get it. dad…is dad. and mom is too busy trying to fix everything to actually do so. so i think i’m gonna try to make time just for him, play the big sister card. maybe take him to a movie or something–he loves indiana jones. but so does brian. and danny’s had his priviledges taken away. i don’t know what to do to help him. i don’t know how far he can go before he’ll snap.

i’m still passing out, but even though i write it down, i’ve stopped telling mom every single time, because i think it’s my perogative to live my life as if nothing were any different–even though everything is changing.

my music theory project is eating me alive. it’s due tomorrow. but we don’t have the class.

i am fairly certain ellyn and ryan are mad at me. they sure are mad at each other. she’s mad because she thinks ryan wants to get into my pants. which is ridiculous. he is my best guy friend, and he knows for darn sure that he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in you-know-where because i like, well, who i like.

speaking of which: prom is coming up and everyone’s fussing over me and i’m frightened that they will manipulate my image until andrew doesn’t like the way i look.

speaking of andrew! i can’t hug the boy without john making a fuss. my goodness.

i really need a hug right now. inspiring music just ain’t doing it. and i have a ton of english due tomorrow that i didn’t do, i guess i’ll hafta do it in webpage.

i know i wasted time doing this, but if i don’t vent i WILL explode.

i wish it was okay to cry, but i’ve never been the sort of girl who cries. the closest i ever get is sitting in the rain until the pain goes away.

that was quite an emo turn of phrase.

the kelster does it again

EXHIBIT A: the kelly green bikini i coveted. custom made.  80 bucks.

EXHIBIT B: target bikini. 15 bucks.

amazing. but that’s not all! nerdwear: argyle bikini, plaid bikini, a suit near identical to last years, but cuter, with side ties, and adorable monokini, and this non-granny-like polka dot onepiece.

and the best part is, they’re all there for cheap!

so

i am near word-perfect on all of bill and ted’s excellent adventure. so today, i spent study hall reciting it at ellyn. i should have been doing my lab, but i didn’t. and now it has to be done tonight, because i already clockbustered it, and i’m coming down with an earache.

77%, disfunctional geek

geek test

and here’s geek code

 

it’s been a while

 

i am the Goddess of Empathy. Cast off your inhibitions and embrace love, truth, joy!

this dress reminded me of Holo-Troi’s from the sixtyninth episode of Star Trek: TNG; Hollow Pursuits.